It was a few days before my 29th birthday and I just had a feeling… could I be pregnant? So I loaded Lazar, Mila + Leo into the car to head to Target to buy some tests. The second we got home, I immediately went to take it. I set it on the table while I put some groceries away. —I thought, this would be the perfect birthday gift and I really needed something special to cheer me up this particular year… I had lost my Dad the month prior and to say the pain was still so raw is an understatement… There was a big part of me that thought, it may not be healthy to be pregnant right now while grieving. However, I knew God makes no mistakes so I couldn’t wait to see the results… “YES” was what the test read! I was overjoyed! It felt nearly immediate that I was having all the symptoms… —and they were kicking my butt I could barely get off the couch. As much as I don’t love being sick, I do love knowing my body is working to grow a sweet little baby, so I was absolutely ok with it!
Fast forward to my first doctors appointment! I just had a great feeling going into that appointment; after all our family had just endured such an unimaginable loss of my Dad, that I felt like God would never allow another… not THAT soon after loosing my Dad at least… I was wrong. I needed a D&C because the baby wasn’t passing on its own, this can get dangerous with the possibly of infection. I waited as long as I could for a miracle, but my OBGYN said it was time after about 4 weeks had gone by and still no natural miscarriage. The morning of the surgery I asked my OB if he could do another ultrasound to be 100% positive there was no signs of life… he was happy to give me that. The baby wasn’t living and most likely passed around 6-7 weeks… I was so sad, so angry, so confused… How could God possibly think this was the right plan for me? It was hard and it took me time to find peace knowing our baby was now in my Dads arms in Heaven! I couldn’t help but wonder, maybe Gods plan only included Lazar, Mila and Leo. I thanked God (and still thank God) for our 3 beautiful children daily, but I couldn’t ignore that lingering feeling like He had more in store for us. Paul and I talked about it and agreed we needed some time to heal more from loosing my Dad and now our baby.
Fast forward yet again… We just moved into our new 1950’s fixer-upper home. I had been spending most of my days unpacking, cleaning, painting and chasing 3 little monkeys around our house! Life without my Dad continued to settle in and I wrestled with my emotions daily… telling myself to fight through the pain and tears. My Dad was my best friend, we just understood each other and our bond was unbreakable… so trying to navigate life without him felt (and still feels) impossible most days, but I could (and still can) hear him telling me to be happy, “don’t cry honey I’m in the greatest place imaginable! I’ll see you so soon! Trust me!” I could hear him, his voice, I still do and I am so thankful for that gift that God allows me to feel him so near!
Being in our new home and having tons of projects to occupy my mind, I could feel the light creeping back in. Joy was starting to fill my days again and the fog of loosing my Dad and recent miscarriage was starting to lift and feel possible to accept. We started our first year of Homeschool and it was going so great! To top it all off, I was pregnant! I was so overjoyed yet again! This was it! God was blessing us with the final link to our family chain! Then, like a freight train, I was hit and knocked down yet again with the reality of loss and it’s tight, unforgiving, relentless grip. I started bleeding and I knew it wasn’t good… My sweet OBGYN and I have been through so much together and he just hugged me and we cried together. He felt my pain alongside me for 3 miscarriages now and knew of my Dads passing as well. He was so kind and supportive giving me all the encouragement and options to help me. I was so broken. It’s as if I was starting to build my happiness back up on a mountain of sand and that loss was a wave that washed it all away… I didn’t know what God was trying to teach me through all of this loss, but I continued to draw near to him and trust His plan. The day I came back from my doctors appointment after my OB had let me know I was for sure miscarrying, God had equipped me with strength and protection. That same day the kids homeschool lesson was all about Abraham and Sarah. It was about God telling Abraham how He was going to bless him and Sarah with a son… they laughed + doubted God because of their old age (thinking it was impossible). God corrected them + assured them nothing is impossible for God. Sure enough God had kept His promise and gave them a son! I had so much doubt after my apt and felt extremely discouraged… but after teaching Lazar and Mila their lesson I felt God telling me the SAME thing! Not to doubt or feel discouraged; God will provide! THEN, later that night a friend and I went to dinner. After dinner we pulled into my driveway and heard a message on the radio talking about the EXACT SAME story of Abraham and Sarah! I was BLOWN away! I had an undeniable feeling that God was sending ME that message! I didn’t know exactly what the future would hold for me and my family, BUT I had tremendous faith that God would provide!
It was a random weekday and I decided I should take a pregnancy test… The test read “Pregnant” Honestly I thought to myself… this probably won’t last. I pushed the negative thoughts and doubt away though and let myself enjoy THAT moment, even if things would change later on, I needed that happy moment to thank God and just enjoy knowing a baby was growing inside me, so that’s exactly what I did!
Metta was on her way and growing perfectly! I was truly just so overjoyed and overwhelmed with thanks the entire pregnancy! Our baby girl was coming and it honestly felt like a dream come true! Spoiler alert… it was a dream come true!
Giving birth in the year 2020 will most likely go down in the history books! It’s a strange time in our world currently and as I’ve always maintained… God has a plan through it all and I plan to continue to draw near to HIM and trust!
Sunday August 2nd, 2020 at 5:14am I realized I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep as my contractions were stronger than a Braxton Hick and about every 7-10 minutes apart. I was so excited! I knew Metta was coming and couldn’t wait to meet her! I tried to rest as I knew the drill and what was to come! After basically making myself stay in bed, I got up for the day and started cleaning and washing all the bedding. I wanted everything to be fresh for when I came home with Metta. It was my plan and I had to stick to it! I thought I would be able to make everyone breakfast as I normally make homemade pancakes every Sunday morning, but I was too uncomfortable. I called the hospital to let them know what was up and that I would be coming in today. My OBGYN wasn’t on call and was out of town so the on-call doctor called me to let me know I would need a Covid test prior to surgery and that could take about 4 hours to get the results back so he advised me to come in as soon as I could. That was an unexpected wrench in my plan, but we figured it out. Paul stayed with the kids and I drove myself to the hospital. It was strange driving away from our house, waving to my 3 kiddos, knowing the next time I saw them I would be back with their sister in tow! But I had everything all set and ready. The house was perfectly clean, all the bedding was done, laundry put away and I was showered and ready to meet my sweet baby girl I prayed so hard for! I prayed the entire way to the hospital and felt so many emotions rush in! I was thankful but so sad my mom, dad, and kids wouldn’t be able to come to the hospital. After all my deliveries, my Mom and Dad have been there so this was extra hard because obviously I wouldn’t have my Dad there and not having my Mom either was really sad… I asked God for so much strength to get through it all!
2 long hours after I arrived to the hospital they FINALLY tested me and that Covid test is no fun, especially mid-contraction! The nurses were all so sweet and they made sure to get things going as quickly as they received the results back. They needed to be sure my results were negative otherwise they would’ve had to do a ton of extra prep that would’ve been wasteful and unnecessary obviously if I wasn’t positive. So my contractions got much stronger but I wasn’t in active labor or anything so it was all good. Had I progressed into active labor they would’ve proceeded as if I had Covid and done my c-section accordingly. Thankfully that didn’t have to have to happen as my results came back negative.
After they received my test results things started moving fast! They could tell I was getting more and more uncomfortable and wanted to move things along as quickly as possible for me. Because it was my 4th c-section nothing came as a surprise to me as they prepped me for the surgery. It’s not a fun process but at least I knew what to expect. If you want to read more surgery details read my other kids birth stories. I’ll spare the details here. What I will say, is Paul arrived just in time and things went as they should, my pain was managed during the surgery and as uncomfortable as c-sections are it was all worth it once again!
The second they pulled Metta out and I heard her cry I felt what I always feel in that moment… completely overwhelmed with pure JOY! My baby is HERE!! Praise JESUS!!! She swallowed a good amount of fluid when they pulled her out but she was totally fine as soon as they sucked it all out, although that had Paul and I a little worried as we watched the nurse work quickly to remove it! I’m so thankful for the nurses and doctors God gave us that day, they did a wonderful job and it was a specific prayer I prayed as I drove myself to the hospital that day. I was so grateful to each one of them for the way they cared for Metta and I!
Metta Elizabeth Wise 8lbs. 11oz. 22inches long born at 8:53pm! My sweet baby girl has brought SO MUCH joy, happiness and goodness after so much loss and sadness! She is a true dream! My rainbow!
Life feels so complete with Metta capping off our family! The kids are so in love with her! Bringing her home for the first time was so magical and a day I will never forget (insert happy tears)!!
HAVE FAITH MAMA(S)… remember to never doubt God even during your darkest, saddest moments. Cling to Him and remember He loves YOU and has a beautiful plan for you!!