The baby I carried but never held…

“I noticed though, around the first edges of spring, that I was starting to feel different. Not better- forget better; better is besides the point. Different, that’s reasonable. Because you may never feel better. I don’t. That’s the other thing about having a miscarriagea miscarriage may very well start to have you. It robs you physically and emotionally, ransacking your gut and your heart. Then it sets its sights on your head. It will rummage through all of your drawers. Having taken much of your dignity, some of your dreams, and more tears than you can count, it looks for what else it can steal.” -April Hoss, The Magic of Motherhood. 

Saturday, March 4th 2017- I took a pregnancy test at about 9:30am just before getting into the shower. I assumed it was negative (since it was only the second month we had stopped preventing… like that even matters haha), but I was hopeful for those two pink lines regardless. \\ We are beyond blessed to have two amazing children; Lazar (2) and Mila (1) and we thought it was a good time to try for baby #3. I couldn’t even rinse the shampoo out of my hair, I had to hop out of the shower quick to check the results of the test. TWO LINES! I was over the moon with excitement! I finished showering and ran downstairs with the positive test to show Paul. He was thrilled as well! I proceeded to chug my water bottle and take another test that immediately read, “Pregnant.” I was so grateful to be carrying a baby again and already couldn’t help but start planning things in my head!

I had light spotting around week 4 and 5 but I also had the same spotting with Lazar and Mila so I assumed all was fine. I continued to explain to Paul, that this pregnancy just didn’t seem real, like I just felt as if I wasn’t actually going to have a baby. He would ease my mind and tell me things like, “the positive pregnancy tests say otherwise honey!” I prayed about it and tried to ignore the lingering feelings, that something wasn’t quite right. I swear I just knew deep down I wasn’t going to have a baby come early November. I wanted to with every fiber in me, but I knew something was not right. I had pregnancy symptoms such as: nausea when I wouldn’t have a full stomach, my sense of smell was out of this world; like a dang blood hound, and I was so extremely exhausted! With all the symptoms and positive pregnancy tests I knew there wasn’t much more proof and peace of mind I could have besides my first doctors appointment, which wasn’t until April.

When my appointment date finally came, I was a ball of nerves. I still had the frightening feelings… More and more family and friends had known about my pregnancy and there was apart of me that didn’t want to have to share the awful news of a miscarriage. It’s as if I would be letting everyone down. I knew that wasn’t the truth, its just how I felt. Laying down on that hospital bed as my OBGYN placed the warm jelly on my teeny tiny baby bump to listen to our babies heartbeat was by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to experience; and experience alone. Paul had stayed home with Lazar and Mila so I was solo for this unforgettable visit. He placed the sonogram machine on my belly and just before it hit my skin, I asked God to prepare my heart for whatever the outcome was going to be… S I L E N C E… nothing. Ear-piercing, mind-numbing, heart-breaking… S I L E N C E… I could barely make eye contact with my doctor. He was remaining positive and letting me know, he would like me to stay for an internal ultrasound.

If you have never had an internal ultrasound count it as a blessing. It was awful! I had no idea what was going on, I was scared, nervous and all alone. I just wanted a glimmer of hope or some kind words to help ease the pain of the ultrasound prod/pressure and the pain of knowing something is terribly wrong.  So as I held back tears, I asked the ultrasound tech… “What are ya thinkin (as far as my ultrasound goes)?” the response I got was even colder than the prod ramming around inside me, making me feel violated and more uncomfortable than I ever have before… “I don’t think, I just take the pictures.”-she said, with zero expression on her face. “OOOOOK then, thanks so much (I thought)!” I was mortified and let tears stream down my face onto the crinkly paper lining the hospital bed. More silence. I mean what would’ve been the appropriate response to that? I had a few in mind, but I prayed and asked God to make me numb until it was over, it worked, He was there. I knew He was with me, I knew He was crying along side of me, I just didn’t understand why? Why was this happening….

That’s the thing about our time on this earth, we don’t always get the answers we are looking for, we don’t always get the prayers we are asking for and we won’t always understand the why’s we are wondering… God doesn’t intend for us to understand it all, He just wants us to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

After the ultrasound I was sent to an empty room to wait for my doctor to fill me in on everything. I prayed and prayed until he entered the room. I could see it on his face… It’s as if “BAD NEWS” was stamped on his forehead. He sat down close to me and explained the results were confusing… I was supposed to be 10 weeks along and my uterus was basically showing a gestational sac but no baby. At 10 weeks a baby would definitely be visible within the gestational sac. I knew my dates were spot on, this only meant something went wrong and basically a baby never really formed. He explained my body would soon respond to this and expel of the sac and all that follows… He simply told me my body will most-likely go through a miscarriage in the next few days. He sat with me, hugged me and even cried with me. He did his best to assure me everything was going to be ok. It was a Thursday, and my doctor predicted the miscarriage would most likely happen over the weekend. He was right.

The weekend had arrived and I started bleeding bright red blood. I thought, this is it, this is how it’s going to go. I was SO mistaken. I honestly had zero idea what a miscarriage would be like. I assumed it would be like having a heavy period. That is what I had read and that is what my doctor had prepared me for. Sunday morning had come and I had really heavy bleeding accompanied with intense cramping… like a heavy period. I figured this was the end of it. It was actually the start of it! The bleeding increased and the cramping turned into contractions. I was trying to get ready for church and a family gathering we had planned to attend, but I could barley stand when a contraction would come. I called my doctor and he explained I was in the middle of the miscarriage. I was hysterical and didn’t think I would take it as hard as I did. I was on my knees on the bathroom floor sobbing to the doctor… He was kind and talked me through. He told me I could come in for a D&C which would ultimately take the pain away and finish the miscarriage for me. I was in excruiating pain and had Paul drive me to the ER, on the drive Paul did his best to encourage me to stay strong, pray and ask God to get me through it. I thought of this verse and recited it over and over… “Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.” -Psalm 4:1 I told Paul to turn the car around, I know God was with me and helping me through it. I had confidence my body would do everything on its own. With every passing contraction my body would tense up and I would sob, but continue to pray. We pulled in our driveway, I walked inside, used the restroom and begged God to finish it… He did.

Sunday, April 16th 2017- I miscarried. It was over. The contractions had stopped and the bleeding had decreased. I felt empty and inadequate. I felt like a failure and as if my body was broken.

The days and weeks that followed were just as that initial quote stated. I was starting to feel different, not better… just different. A miscarriage really does rob you of a lot, more than imaginable. I wanted that baby… whether there was a baby in me or just the sac the baby grows in. I wanted it… I prayed for it, I yearned to hold it in my arms and kiss it one million times over! I journaled the day I found out I was pregnant, just as I did with L and M. I added this verse along with the exciting news… “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.” -1 Samuel 1:27 I re-read that verse about 100 times… I asked God, “Why?” Why didn’t You allow me to have the child I had prayed for? The words TRUST ME flashed in my mind. I would close my eyes to cry and see TRUST ME. I have an app on my phone that shows you what you shared on social media on the day just years prior… so I was looking at my phone and it stated about 5 years ago on April 16th I shared a status that read: “God only has 3 answers to prayers: 1. Yes 2. Not yet 3. I have something better in mind. TRUST HIM!” CHILLS ran up my spine! I then swipped to the next thing I shared 3 years ago on that same day, April 16th… “1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So Glorify God in your body.” It’s as if God was preparing me for that awful day. I wanted to know why, and He answered… years ago!

After everything, my doctor stared me in my eyes and said, “I am confident that your next pregnancy will be great!” I just thought how can he possibly say he is “confident?” I saw TRUST ME flash through my mind! God is telling me to trust Him and that is what I whole-heartedly plan to do! I didn’t want to post this until I knew I would for sure have another baby, I even thought I would wait to write about this until after I have a baby, but once again I had this overwhelming feeling to TRUST! I have faith that we will be able to have another baby, but even if we don’t, I still trust the Lord with all my heart! I knew I needed to share my story because this topic is not talked about enough, especially for  how common it truly is! I pray my story gives all you Mama’s comfort and hope, knowing that you are not alone. God has the very best plan for each and every one of us and although all of our prayers, wants and whys won’t always be a clear answer that doesn’t mean that God has abandoned us. He’s there crying with us, feeling our pain, He just wants us to know Him, rely on Him and TRUST Him even during the hardest of times!

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HAVE FAITH MAMA’S… God is there, He always was and He always will be! All we have to do is TRUST HIM! 

5 thoughts on “The baby I carried but never held…

  1. Hannah VanDrisse

    I’m so sorry, Paulina. I cried reading this. Continue to be strong in the Lord just as you have been. It’s so wonderful that we can lean on Him in such difficult times. Thank you for sharing your story as hard as it probably was. Many prayers are coming your way!


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